


can i be him

by ksmalltalk



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, M/M, like so so much, lots of pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:48:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25879174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ksmalltalk/pseuds/ksmalltalk
Summary: For over ten years, Carlos and TK have been the best of friends.For over ten years, Carlos has secretly been in love with him.As TK embarks on a yet another new relationship, Carlos finds it difficult to keep the truth he's been holding on to since he was fifteen to himself. But when he sees a difference in TK's budding romance, Carlos fears that the time he once had to speak up has officially run out.
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Comments: 72
Kudos: 191
Collections: L O N E  S T A R





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> set to the song "can i be him" by james arthur. this song has been stuck in my head for ages and just seemed super fitting for tarlos. I'm so excited to be writing for them again. let me know what you think? as always, you can catch me on Tumblr [@benjisvictor](https://benjisvictor.tumblr.com)

_You walked into the room and now my heart’s been stolen_ _  
_ _You took me back in time to when I was unbroken_ _  
_ _Now you're all I want_ _  
_ _And I knew it from the very first moment_

He could never forget meeting TK for the first time. The guy was brand new to the area but he didn’t appear to have any of the anxiousness Carlos would have felt in moving to a different state and having to start anew. TK didn’t seem at all bothered by the fact that he was coming in sophomore year, a year after everyone else had managed to forge friendships and find their place on campus. It was a great comfort for Carlos to have some familiar faces in the halls. His high school brought together kids from the whole county. Some were people Carlos had grown up with, others became new pals. TK didn’t know a single soul and yet he stepped into the school as if he’d been there from the start, as if it had been his name etched in stone on the building.

He made a name for himself early on that first day alone. By the time Carlos had settled into his third period class, it felt like all anyone could talk about was the latest addition. TK was handsome, confident, and had ushered in an air of intrigue for the local students. All the girls in Carlos’ classes couldn’t stop gushing about him. Carlos had only caught a glimpse of him in passing between classes but it had been more than enough to see what all the fuss was about. 

What drew Carlos to TK was the way he carried himself with such assurance. Carlos figured a part of that was because he was coming from one of the world’s most famous and largest cities. All the same, Carlos could only admire him for it. Where Carlos had spent his whole life doing his best to fly under the radar, TK appeared to relish in the spotlight.

Carlos was a soft breeze. TK was heavy winds. It was flat out impossible not to notice a person like that, one who could make themselves the center of attention by simply existing. It was a natural talent for TK and Carlos didn’t stand a chance.

He had been sitting in class, listening with rapt attention as their teacher began the period. She was soon interrupted by the door swinging open, TK stepping inside a few minutes after the bell had rung. 

Immediately there was a low flurry of whispers but Carlos had ignored it all. He was too focused on TK’s movements, the fluidity to which he crossed the room and apologized for showing up late. Maybe the boy had sensed Carlos staring hard because Carlos soon found TK’s eyes locked onto his.

He looked away quickly but it was far too late. TK plopped down in the empty desk beside him and Carlos was left struggling for the rest of the period to keep his eyes straight ahead. Each time TK shifted in his seat or picked up his pen to scribble something down, Carlos was acutely aware. He had actually sighed in relief when the bell rang. 

But this new kid had other plans and derailed Carlos by placing a hand on his desk just above his notebook. There was no way to ignore him or pretend he hadn’t noticed.

Carlos pulled his gaze upward, allowing himself this easy access to openly stare. TK was without a doubt the cutest boy he’d ever seen.

“Hey, you seem like the one guy in this class that isn’t an asshole,” TK said bluntly. Carlos’ cheeks had warmed a bit at that level of candor.

He had been stunned that TK saw him differently, that he could pick up on the fact that he wasn’t like the other guys in their class. He couldn’t help but to wonder if TK could sense the full extent of just how different he was from the rest. All he could do was stare at the new kid with the gorgeous green eyes. TK snagged a paper from his own desk as the other students filed out of the room, handing over his class schedule. He seemed undeterred by Carlos' lack of verbal skills in the moment.

“Mind showing me where my next class is? I know I’ve got the perfect excuse to be late today but it’s still a drag coming in way after everyone.”

Carlos had taken the schedule from him, trying to hide the slight tremble in his hands. He looked over the sheet, both nervous and happy to see that a majority of the boy’s classes would be with him.

“Yeah, you’re in a lot of my classes, actually. We’ve got history next.”

A wide, open smile spread across the new kid’s face revealing perfectly white teeth. It wasn’t fair just how attractive he was. Carlos had had his fair share of small, private crushes on boys over the years but this, he knew already, was going to be different.

“I’m TK, by the way,” the kid introduced, his playful smile still etched on his lips. Carlos had to bite his tongue from saying he already knew that. 

It wasn’t an extremely large school; people talked but he didn’t want to make TK feel awkward around him. He wouldn’t have been able to take it if he managed to screw up such a golden opportunity.

“I think we’re gonna be great friends,” TK continued. Carlos didn’t object. If the new cute guy in school had decided to mark him as a friend, he wasn’t going to squander it. 

For all the things TK seemed to be able to sense about him, it was a wonder that Carlos’ true feelings toward him remained a mystery after a decade of friendship. From that first day Carlos had been a goner and he would only manage to fall harder in the years since.

* * *

“Hmm, what do you think about this one?” TK asks, holding up a white short sleeved button down with faint embellishments over the chest pocket.

“I like it. It’s casual but still kind of fancy.”

TK smiles and nods, draping the shirt over his forearm and continuing to comb through the racks. He seems to be in an extremely good mood, practically bouncing on the balls of his feet as the two of them shop downtown. It was something Carlos had noticed instantly when they met up earlier but he didn’t bother calling attention to it. Now it’s impossible to ignore as TK’s smile transforms into a wide grin. This is a more than obvious telltale sign that something’s up and Carlos is starting to get a sinking feeling the more he ruminates over it.

“Perfect,” TK says.

Carlos’ brows furrow as he stops his own shopping to eye his best friend over the array of shirts. TK enjoyed going out and getting new things but Carlos has never seen him get quite this worked up over a shirt before.

“Got somewhere special to wear that thing?”

He knows the answer even before the question has fully left his lips but he needs to hear it directly from TK. He thinks perhaps he’s grown to be something of a masochist over the years. But here he is, a glutton for punishment that braces himself for the familiar set of words he knows will come tumbling from his best friend’s mouth.

“Yeah, I actually, I do. I’ve got a date this Friday,” TK says. 

Carlos tries to ignore the way his heart sinks upon hearing those words. In truth, he knows he should be used to it by now. TK has seen several people over the years but it never gets any easier to digest. Once again Carlos finds himself as the dutiful best friend, feigning excitement when, inside, he feels anything but joy.

“Ah, who’s the lucky guy this time?” he asks, keeping the bitterness he feels out of his tone.

“His name is Alex. He’s incredible. I think you’d really like him.”

_Doubt that_ , Carlos thinks.

He isn’t sure if he’s being severely biased or if there’s real truth to it but TK has the absolute worst taste in guys. Sure, all the men he’s seen are attractive but beyond that, they never seem to have much of anything going for them. TK deserved someone with substance, someone with more depth than a kiddie pool.

“Yeah? That’s awesome. Where’d you guys meet?”

“Literally on the street,” TK laughs, rolling his eyes. “I was short a quarter for the meter and Alex was passing by and spotted me the difference. I told him I owed him one and he said I could make it up to him this Friday night.”

Only TK could land himself a date while doing a simple task like feeding a parking meter. Carlos scoffs, unable to stop his head from shaking at the absurdity of it all. It wasn’t surprising though. TK’s extremely attractive and everywhere they went, people took notice. It was true back in sophomore year when he managed to get the whole school buzzing and it only became more pronounced as TK got older. 

He went from ridiculously cute to unfairly gorgeous. Coupled with his sense of humor and winning personality and TK had everything going for him that a guy could possibly want. Carlos definitely hadn’t been immune himself. TK could easily capture someone’s attention and if he felt a spark, he’d pursue it.

Carlos has always had a slower approach to dating and so far he hasn’t managed to have much success in that area. Sometimes he thinks it’s a combination of things. Most guys his age aren’t interested in something long term like he is. Carlos has always been a hopeless romantic but growing up in Texas, at least in this county, hasn’t exactly lent itself to finding anything of real substance. Ideally he wouldn’t have to look far for a partner. If he had it his way, his searching would have begun and ended right there in English class at age fifteen. TK was still everything he could have possibly wanted but Carlos had long since accepted the reality that this was all they would ever be.

And he figures that’s enough. Or at least this is what he repeats like a litany during moments such as this where TK is wrapped up in a guy that isn’t him. He doesn’t want to be the dour, bitter guy stuck mindlessly pining over his best friend. He always gives his relationships a fair chance but they inevitably run their course. The scenarios are almost always the same and more often than not, Carlos feels like he’s stuck in a dating purgatory, doomed to repeat the same course over and over again.

He’ll push for more but his partner will want to keep things casual. There was a time when Carlos had started to believe it was something he was doing wrong. But he’d come around on it now. There was nothing wrong with him wanting to find something genuine. It was frustrating, certainly, when he’d meet a cute guy that showed potential only to have it amount to nothing.

TK seemed to thrive in this setting. He played the field better than anyone Carlos knew. It served to further Carlos’ standpoint on the probability of he and TK ever being an item. They both wanted very different things out of life, maybe in more ways than Carlos was even willing to admit. A small part of him held on to the hope that in time, once TK got the need for gratuitous dating out of his system, he’d see that Carlos was the perfect choice. But a little over ten years of friendship hadn’t gotten them any further to that finish line so he wasn’t so set on holding his breath.

In the end, TK would do his own thing and Carlos would hold a candle for him in his heart where it would be safe and hidden as he searched for love elsewhere.

Even though he had been making peace with the notion of the years that TK wouldn’t be drawn to him romantically, it still crushed him each time TK brought up a new name. The way he’d go on and on about how excited he was, how hot or incredible the guy was just felt like someone pressing firmly against a bruise. How was he expected to heal from something like that entirely if the pressure never let up for long?

TK beams now, continuing to peruse the racks, the metal hangers scraping against the fixtures. Carlos is less enthused about their outing now, his thoughts heavily centered on this faceless man, this guy that was clearly much smoother and braver than he could ever hope to be. Carlos hadn’t mastered the art of flirting, not in the ways he’s seen guys at bars and clubs effortlessly swoop in. It wasn’t his style but he still did well enough for himself, all things considered.

“Anyway, we’re going to this Korean spot he was telling me about. It should be fun,” TK continues but Carlos is hardly listening, taking up a sudden interest in a display of ties. TK, seemingly unaware of Carlos’ shift in focus, carries on talking about Alex.

Carlos hates the fact that he’s letting this get to him. He feels pathetic and ridiculous for the way his eyes sting and stomach roils like a raging sea.

“See something you like?” TK says, his voice reaching much closer than Carlos had been anticipating. He startles and laughs airly seeing that TK is just a foot or two away from him.

“Just browsing. I don’t think there’s anything for me here today.” It strikes him how accurate the statement is on two levels but, of course, TK remains blissfully unaware of it.

“We’ll find something for you, don’t worry. You’re the pickiest shopper I’ve ever met.”

Carlos shrugs. This conversation is definitely working on another level for him. 

“I know what I like and I’d rather not settle.”

TK holds his gaze and for a wild, foolish moment Carlos thinks his subliminal messaging has worked. But TK just laughs and shakes his head.

“They’re ties, Carlos. It’s not life or death. Come on, how about this one?” he asks, holding up a steely green tie. It’s sleek, elegant, and has a sheen to it that makes it look like marbles. The color reminds Carlos of TK’s eyes. He wonders if his friend even notices the similar hues. “It’d look good on you.”

“It’s nice but seriously, I was only looking. I don’t even wear ties. There’s no reason to buy it.” He puts a hand over TK’s, guiding it and the tie, back down.

“Live a little. All these years together and I still haven’t rubbed off on you,” TK jokingly chides.

Carlos draws in a breath. It’s silly how that wording makes a mental image spring to mind that has no place clouding his thoughts right now.

“Might be for the best,” Carlos remarks. TK lightly swats at him before snaking an arm around his waist. Carlos drapes his arm over TK’s shoulder, the two walking perfectly in sync like a four-legged creature toward the registers. 

They always fit together perfectly, so much so that Carlos never puts any thought into getting close to TK. This is just how they function with one another, these small little bits of intimacy forged and refined after years of friendship

Reluctantly Carlos unfurls himself from TK once they arrive at the checkout area, already missing the warmth and feel of his body pressed against his side. There’s always a comfort that comes from being close to TK, in any sense.

He leaves TK free and clear to make his purchase, a new belt and his white button down, the one specifically purchased with Alex in mind. Whoever this guy is, Carlos can only hope he’ll appreciate all the effort TK is putting into this and understands just how lucky he is he was able to capture TK’s attention. Heaven knows Carlos has been trying over the years to figure out that particular algorithm himself. 

It was starting to feel like the prerequisite was simply any guy that wasn’t him.

* * *

Friday night rolls around as unwelcome as an unexpected houseguest on his doorstep. The week had hurried along in the way time always seemed to when something dreaded was coming up. For Carlos, this dubious honor went to TK’s impending date with Alex. Instead of wallowing about it, Carlos had taken Michelle up on her offer for the two of them to hang out. She’d been nice enough earlier in the week to pitch the idea of spending time with one another as they ate lunch together from their usual food truck.

“What’s new with you?” she asked.

“TK has a date Friday,” he’d mumbled, skipping over any talk of himself as he picked up his drink. Carlos could see her devising a plan right then and there, knowing what this news meant to him.

“So, you and me Friday, then? Movie night at my place. I’ll order in for us,” she’d said decidedly, not giving Carlos any room to argue the matter.

Carlos wouldn’t have objected either way. He’d been relieved at the mere thought of having something to do that didn’t involve being by himself.

Michelle was good at reading him, at anticipating his needs even with words unspoken. That kind of skill was greatly appreciated by Carlos who was still kicking himself for feeling down and out over TK’s new budding romance.

TK would always be his best friend but Michelle fell into that category as well. She felt like a sister to him, the two getting close because of work but quickly realizing that their bond extended past the professional and into the personal. 

It helped to have someone to turn to in order to discuss TK and all his complicated feelings towards his best friend. Michelle was far more patient than he deserved, especially now as he sat on her couch, absentmindedly poking at his takeout dish, doing his best to keep his mind from wandering too far down a rabbit hole. 

“Your thoughts are very loud tonight,” Michelle says suddenly, turning her head to look over at him.

Carlos snaps back from his drifting thoughts. “I’m sorry, what?”

Michelle shakes her head and laughs. “Oh man, this is way worse than I thought.”

Carlos groans and sets his food down on the coffee table, burying his face in his hands and scrubbing at it. 

“I’m sorry. I’m here, I’m good. This is great. Honestly, Michelle. I’m being so rude right now.”

Michelle frowns and reaches for the remote, hitting pause on the movie they’ve been watching. Carlos honestly wouldn’t be able to name the film even if someone offered him a million dollars on the spot for the title. 

“Hey, relax. It’s okay. But you can’t fool me, Carlos. I know you aren’t fine and I know exactly what you’re thinking. And guess what? I’m here to tell you to stop torturing yourself.”

Carlos sighs, admitting defeat. “You’d think I’d be used to this by now,” he laughs dryly.

Michelle’s head tilts to the side, her eyes narrowing a bit in thought. It’s clear there’s something she wants to say but is holding back on. It doesn’t exactly bode well for Carlos who stares back at her until he’s unable to take her silence any longer.

“What is it?”

She sighs and purses her lips before speaking.

“Not telling him how you feel...it might not be as noble as you think it is.”

Carlos looks blankly at her for a moment, letting it sink in. She isn’t wrong, he knows this. He just hadn’t been ready to hear the blunt truth spring from her. This was something Carlos had warred with over the years but his fear of ruining his friendship with TK always held him back. They had been through so much in the past with TK’s battles with addiction. They’d weathered those storms and managed to come through the other side perfectly intact. Logically Carlos knew that even if TK didn’t feel the same way about him, they would be okay ultimately. Preserving their friendship was important, a worthy concern.

But Carlos wasn’t sure the same could be said of his confidence if he were to be rejected. That would be shot entirely. TK would be kind about it, there wasn’t a doubt in Carlos’ mind. It was the thought of putting either of them in that scenario to begin with that not only gave him pause but was reason enough in his eyes to not bother at all.

“I can’t do it. I can’t risk what we have.”

Michelle scooches a bit closer to him, placing a hand over his knee. “I don’t think this would be a risk though. I’ve seen you two together. I would bet anything that you’re not the only one feeling like this.”

Carlos shakes his head, his eyes closing as if he can effectively silence everything she’s saying by sheer will of stubbornness alone.

“That’s just how he is with everyone,” Carlos says. 

It wasn’t uncommon to see TK greet people with hugs or be touchy. Carlos had previously deluded himself into thinking the very same thing but he’s had years to study TK. He was just an affectionate person in general. There wasn’t anything special about anything on that front.

Michelle purses her lips as if deciding whether or not to plunge forward with her thoughts.

“You’re too close to this situation to see it clearly. But believe me, Carlos, as an outsider looking at you two, I would bet anything that he’s in love with you, too.”

Carlos looks away quickly, staring at the frozen image on the screen. A part of him wants to believe in what Michelle is saying. How nice would it be to board this train of thought and take it to the final stop? But Carlos fears that journey more than anything, so certain this will all go off track.

Hope was fickle that way. Too much of it could be just as bad as not having any at all. At least this way he could safeguard his heart in the process.

Carlos doesn’t say anything back and he’s spared the task of having to answer as his phone buzzes back to back on the coffee table. He stretches over and picks it up. There are two texts from TK. 

**_He just dropped me home. The date went really well._ **

**_Free for breakfast tomorrow? I can fill you in about tonight. Plus, I wouldn’t say no to your french toast if you’re down with me dropping in..._ **

Ending tonight with a text like this only to have to pick the conversation back up again first thing in the morning fills him with a sense of dread but Carlos is morbidly curious to hear more about TK’s evening. He’s spent so many times over the years just like this, hearing TK recount his dates. This is par for the course.

Carlos sits back, shoulders and back straightened, trying to shift his perspective on this now. TK is genuinely happy and that’s all Carlos can ask for. His feelings aside, all he could ever ask for is that his best friend be okay. If Alex brings him joy then Carlos figures the least he can do is get his head on straight.

“Everything okay?” Michelle asks, no doubt seeing the change in his demeanor.

“Yeah, his date just ended. We’re hanging out tomorrow morning.”

They’d both have the day off and Carlos was glad they would be spending part of it together. Even if they would be discussing Alex, at least they’d get some one on one time. Carlos was always greedy for that, he could admit.

Michelle is quiet but in that, she’s already saying so much. Carlos can’t help but to drag it out of her completely. 

“You’re killing me here. What are you thinking?”

“I’m just worried about you, that’s all. You say you’re fine with this but I don’t get how you can be. I know it’s got to hurt hearing about him with other guys. I just worry about what it can do to you.”

She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose, trying again.

“All I’m saying here is be careful with your heart. Good intentions or not, there are more ways it can break than you’d think.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okie dokes, folks, we're going to have ourselves a good ol' fashioned time jump here. i think i make that clear enough in the intro but as a heads up in general, i figured i should say so now before you start this next chapter. oh and also, turns out this will be 4 chapters and not 3. my brain changed the game plan on me, sorry about that!

_When the lights come on and I'm on my own_ _  
_ _Will you be there to sing it again?_ _  
_ _Could I be the one you talk about in all your stories?_ _  
_ _Can I be the one?_

Carlos can admit he’s feeling something akin to nervousness. Alex has become such a fixture in TK’s every day life. It’s been four months now and TK seems to be just as swept up in the man as he had been when their relationship first started.

By now, either TK or his partner would have called it quits but this relationship seems to have strong legs to it that are carrying this thing much further than Carlos had originally thought possible.

TK has jumped head first into it all. The morning after his date, TK had been quick to recount his evening, as promised. Carlos had fixed breakfast for them, complete with TK’s special request. He’d lost himself in the routine of cooking, taking comfort in the rhythm to distract his mind as he mentally prepared for TK’s arrival.

He’d sat across from TK as he walked Carlos through the date, no detail too small apparently. It called to mind what Michelle had said on the eve of his morning get together with TK. 

Having to listen to the man he loved talk about how much he liked someone else was indeed one of the many ways a heart could break. Carlos’ had been chipped away at that morning as if TK was a sculptor with a chisel, hellbent on bringing the images of his night to life. 

Carlos had been tempted to just shout how much he wanted to discuss literally anything else in the world but he couldn’t bring himself to do so, to rob TK of discussing something that had clearly meant so much to him.

“And then he kissed me goodnight.”

That. That right there had felt like a fatal blow. Not just the mental image that came to mind but the very clear and present look of bliss on TK’s face as he’d said it. Carlos had long since learned to recognize TK’s expressions and that one said his friend was completely taken with Alex already.

“Must’ve been one hell of a kiss,” Carlos had quipped, stabbing at his breakfast a bit more forcefully than need be. 

But TK’s head was in the clouds, miles and miles away from the dining room table with Carlos. 

It was too early in the morning for that degree of elation. Carlos felt sick, the food on his tongue tasting more and more like ash with each bite he took.

TK had reached a hand across the table and held onto Carlos’, a content smile on his face. Carlos could see nothing but happiness and optimism in his best friend’s eyes. It was obvious how excited TK was, how this new guy made him overjoyed. It had twisted a knot so tightly in Carlos’ stomach but he tried to keep a level head.

He did his best to take it all in stride. After all, the high of a first date was to be expected.

But now it’s been four months and Alex is so ingrained in TK’s life. Every other sentence out of his best friend’s mouth starts with “Alex and I” and it’s been grating at Carlos’ sanity. He’d grown attached to being one half of the “we” TK once boasted about. 

Whatever time Carlos once believed he’d have to tell TK how he felt seemed to have slipped right through his fingers with the greatest of ease. Michelle had been telling him for ages to speak up, same as the small voice in his head ever since he was a teenager but he’d ignored them both. Carlos had been so sure things would work out as they were intended to. Now he was starting to believe that this was how it was meant to go. He’d never seen TK this enamored before. There was a change in the tide, that much was clear.

As much as he hated to admit it, Alex was proving himself to be someone that made TK happy and their relationship was holding strong. The only person he could blame for missing out on the chance to tell TK the true nature of his feelings was himself. Carlos had been dreading the arrival of a scenario like this but his fears and insecurities were much easier to listen to than the sage advice Michelle had been dishing out or his own conscience. All he could do now was pick himself up and move forward.

TK was able to find joy in the connection he’d established with Alex. Carlos figured it was about high time he tried doing the same.

* * *

Throughout the years Carlos has downloaded and deleted dating apps more often than he can count. But now that he has this renewed sense of urgency in mind to test the waters elsewhere, he finds himself mindlessly scouring through the bottomless well of single guys in the area. 

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to Carlos that dating apps are more or less a cesspool but it’s as good a starting as any for a guy whose schedule makes it difficult to be extremely social. Ideally he would meet someone the old fashioned way but with how busy he’s been these last few weeks alone, he can barely muster up the energy to reply to messages from matches on his phone, never mind go out to bars or clubs.

It’s been strange doing something this major without looping TK in but ever since Alex came into the picture and captured TK’s heart and attention, Carlos has felt out of step and their interactions have been limited.

Carlos still has his reservations about seeking guys out but he knows he can’t spend anymore time dwelling on the comings and goings of Alex and TK. These last few months have been difficult, Carlos and TK spending less time together and their conversations becoming a bit scarce. It’s such an uncommon thing for the two and yet now most of Carlos’ time is spent at the station or seeing Michelle who has really been his sounding board as he tries to move on with his life.

He’s invited her over tonight for dinner, their shifts ending around the same time. With their meals complete they sit together in his living room now, Carlos scrolling through one of the apps he’s recently redownloaded on his phone.

“I still cannot believe you seriously unearthed your accounts,” Michelle says, looking over his shoulder from her place on the couch. Carlos is stretched out on the floor beside her, back pressed against the sofa as he swipes through.

“I told you, Operation Moving On is officially in effect,” he replies.

“And how’s that been treating you?”

“Like a punching bag,” he retorts with a laugh. “The dating scene in this town...my god, it’s rough. No, that’s being too generous. It’s practically nonexistent. But I’ve been talking to some guys here and there so we’ll see how that pans out.”

“No kidding. It’s not much better on my side of the fence either, I’ll tell you that,” she muses. “Should I even dare ask about TK?”

Carlos draws in a breath and sighs, tipping his head back against the cushioned seat. He’s had months now to become accustomed to Alex hanging around like a shadow. It still sucks, to put it plainly, but Carlos has come a long way from the early days where it was difficult to even hear Alex’s name. He’s coming around to accepting that this relationship may actually have longevity.

“There isn’t much to report there.”

It’s been frustrating, to say the least. Carlos has gotten in touch more with TK’s voicemail this past week alone than his friend and each time TK gets back to him, Carlos is busy with something else. Carlos has gotten so used to their close knit rhythm over the years that now he feels thrown off by this odd timing. Whenever they do happen to catch each other, TK typically winds up mentioning his boyfriend and Carlos feels awkward having nothing particularly new to share in return.

He feels restless and it’s his hope that something will actually come of these attempts to get back into dating, though he’s sensible enough not to get too invested in the prospect. Being lucky in love just might not be in the cards for him. There hasn't been much evidence to prove anything to the contrary.

Michelle frowns at this. “Seriously? That’s a shame.”

“Eh, it’s alright— all things considered. I’m getting used to his name dropping Alex every two seconds when we actually manage a conversation. I haven’t seen much of him in a bit though. Our schedules aren’t lining up and we’ve been playing the most intense game of phone tag all week.”

“You really miss him, huh?”

Carlos doesn’t answer, just chews on the inside of his cheek as he looks at her.

Michelle gives a weak smile at him, glancing at his phone screen to the new profile on screen. Carlos quickly reads the man’s bio, unimpressed by the lame quote he’s seen a hundred times now on every guy’s page. He swipes left without a second thought.

“Maybe you just need to leave a voicemail. Something like, ‘Hello, TK. It’s me, your best friend that’s perhaps not so secretly been in love with you. When you get this message, can you give me a call back at your earliest convenience? Thanks.’”

Carlos lets out a laugh and shakes his head. “Never gonna happen. For so many different reasons, Chelle.”

Michelle rolls her eyes. “I’m just saying, it would eliminate so much confusion and cut right to the chase. Everyone would be a winner and you could save yourself from men like this,” she says, tipping her chin towards her screen. “Seriously, how many guys have we seen taking that exact same selfie pose? Is there a guidebook they’re all following along to?”

Carlos sighs and shrugs. “Slim pickings but I missed that window with TK, Mich. The curtains are drawn. It’s boarded up. There’s no getting through it now. He’s completely hooked on this guy.”

Michelle just rolls her eyes and holds her hands up like a scale in front of her.

“Hmm, let’s see here. Four months versus eleven years,” she muses as she mimes weighing the two, dramatically sinking the four months side. “Doesn’t seem like a tough call to make on this one. His real investment is you. He’s never dated anyone this long.”

Carlos’ brows raise as he holds up an index finger. “Ah, that’s exactly my point. It’s different with Alex for some reason. He’s always going above and beyond for him. It’s serious this time.”

“Maybe he’s just trying to force it to work?”

Carlos’ face scrunches in thought, skeptical. “Why would he?”

Michelle just shrugs and shifts, coming to sit beside Carlos on the floor. She rests her head against his shoulder, peering up at him.

“Maybe for the same reasons you’ve been trying to put yourself back out there again and trying to find something new in spite of how you feel about him. I think you’re both too blind or too nervous to make a move. Maybe he really does like Alex, alright, let’s go with that for a second. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s holding on so tightly because it’s a good distraction.”

Carlos has his doubts but it’s an interesting theory. After all, Michelle has a point. Carlos has resigned himself to entering back into the world of dating to try and switch tracks in his mind and focus on something other than TK. If TK is really pushing to make it work with Alex though, he’s doing a terrific job of making it all seem natural.

“I still stand by what I’ve been saying all along. That guy is in love with you, Carlos,” she continues. “And I know you don’t want to hear it, that you think I’m jinxing it but I’m simply stating a fact that just hasn’t been spoken yet. The proof is all there in the way you guys just...are,” she concludes with a shrug of her shoulders.

Carlos sets his phone to rest on his thigh, his eyes locked onto hers. “And how are we exactly?”

Michelle gives him a deadpan stare in response as if she’s speaking to the silliest person on earth. Maybe she is.

“Like two puzzle pieces who don’t realize they need to connect to make the picture whole.”

Carlos stares back at her in stunned silence. She was too good at shutting him up when it came to talking about TK. This all sounds plausible, truly, but the reality of it all has been staring him in the face these last few months. TK is genuinely taken by Alex. While it bugs him at times to have to hear about this other guy, there’s no way he could deny that TK seems to have a good thing going in his new relationship. Carlos has had a decade to say something but he chose not to. It’s a bitter pill to swallow but even he can’t ignore that very real fact. This is on him completely. Just because he was shy and scared didn’t mean TK’s life had to be put on hold until he found the courage to step up and say something.

“Honestly, you guys act like a couple. You spend so much time together— at least before this guy came into the picture,” she concedes as Carlos opens his mouth to object. “The way you move around each other...I don’t know. There’s a vibe there that goes beyond being friends with years worth of history.”

Carlos smiles a bit to himself. At times he can feel that energy too but he’s never known what to do with it. The fear of being the only one between the two of them to notice has kept him quiet for so long and now, TK is so settled with Alex that it hardly matters anymore.

He shrugs his shoulders and says as much to Michelle. She scowls and Carlos laughs.

“That’s life though, right? Not every story gets a happy ending but it’ll be alright. I’ve been trying to get past this whole thing and it’s...not the greatest right now but it’s a first step. After all, that’s the most important one, no?”

Michelle tosses her hands up, huffing out a breath that ruffles her bangs. “You’re impossible.”

Maybe so but Carlos can see that he has to be a realist when it comes to the likelihood of him ever being with TK. Predicting the future isn’t something he can do so all Carlos can focus on now are these present moments, accepting the state of things as they are. It’s the right thing to do. The healthy thing and what Carlos has been coming to grips with is the fact that he can't hold himself back.

If there’s a chance for him to be happy, to spare himself the emotional toll of loving someone he may never be with, this is the path he has to go down. It’s taken him far too long to reach this point but in his heart, he knows this has to be so.

They fall silent as Carlos continues combing through the profiles before him. He isn’t sure what he’s looking for exactly but he’s rejecting more people than is perhaps really necessary. There was some truth to what TK had said but Carlos saw himself as selective not picky. Relationships mattered to him and if he was going to take the time and invest in someone, he didn’t want to just give himself up to the first guy he came across. There had to be provisions to this.

“Oh, he’s cute,” Michelle chimes in as Carlos pulls up a new profile. He has to agree and yet, he hesitates. Steeling himself, Carlos takes the plunge and swipes right.

 _“You’ve been matched!”_ his screen announces by way of a banner across the screen.

“So, we know this guy has common sense and great taste already,” Michelle muses. “That’s a start.”

* * *

Carlos watches the sun dip below the horizon from his desk, marking the end of his workday. He organizes the surface, tidying up his work area and freeing the table of case files. Everything is winding down and Carlos is looking forward to doing just that himself. 

“Have a good night, Reyes,” his captain says as Carlos picks up his work bag and drapes it over his shoulder.

Carlos is bone tired but he offers up a warm smile and waves goodbye. He manages to keep his feet shuffling out of the building and to the parking lot to his car.

By the time Carlos settles into the driver’s seat, he’s already envisioning himself taking a long hot shower. His shift was brutal with back to back calls that gave him little to no time to catch his breath. For as much as he likes to be active during work, he’d be lying if he said he wouldn’t have been grateful for a slower pace. All the same, his shift is complete and just one day separates him from having two days off in a row. He figures today has been the universe’s way of making him work for the prime break he has coming up.

Carlos is all too relieved when he makes it home, locking up his gun and stripping off his clothes, wasting no time in hopping into the shower. The hot water soothes his aching muscles, Carlos standing directly under the spray and letting out a deep sigh as it eases the tension in his shoulders.

His thoughts pinball between wanting to give TK a call tonight to see if they’ll have any luck and debating the merits of responding to the messages he has waiting for him on the dating apps. The latter feels like a chore. The former just seems like a setup for disappointment but honestly, even the prospect of getting to chat with TK sounds like the perfect way to end the night.

After he’s showered, Carlos slips into a fresh pair of boxer briefs and pajama bottoms. Before he can finish getting dressed, his phone chimes with the familiar ring of a FaceTime call. Carlos crosses his room, dropping his towel on the small bench in front of his bed before grabbing his phone from the dresser. He smiles seeing TK’s name on and answers the call, his screen filling up with TK’s face.

“Hey, what’s going on?” he greets. It’s remarkable how just the sight of him makes Carlos’ tiredness fade away.

TK blinks twice, his gaze lowering for a moment before he looks at Carlos full on, his gaze flickering to Carlos’ wet locks and back to his face.

“Hey, um, is this a bad time?” he asks, clearing his throat.

“No, not at all. I just got out of the shower.” Carlos looks down at himself too, water droplets still on his skin. “God, sorry about that. Hang on a sec.” He sets his phone down on the bed and grabs a black cotton t-shirt out of his dresser and slips it on.

“Alright, I’m back,” he says once his phone is in hand. “Better?”

TK smiles on screen and shrugs. “Nothing I haven’t seen before, right?”

Carlos can feel his face warm a bit. It’s true. They’ve seen each other half dressed plenty over the years but, admittedly, it still sends a thrill through him each time to consider TK seeing him like that.

“Pretty much. So, what’s up? I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

TK’s nose scrunches up adorably, the corners of his eyes crinkling.

“Yeah...that’s kind of what I’m calling you about now, actually. I miss hanging out with you. I know I’ve been busy with work and—,” he stops short, cringing a bit. “I’ve been spending a lot of time with Alex lately.”

Carlos averts his gaze briefly and shrugs as he leaves his room and heads to the kitchen. 

“I get it. I mean, I’ve been busy with work, too and hanging with Chelle. It happens,” he replies, taking a glass out of the cupboard.

Carlos can see TK walking into his living room, a framed photo of them on the bookcase before TK flops onto the couch. Carlos grabs water out the fridge and pours himself a cup.

“But it shouldn’t though, not like this and definitely not for us. I don’t want to miss out on time with you. We’ve always been good at checking in and I know I’ve been slow on replying a lot these days.”

All this is true but Carlos doesn’t want to dwell on that now.

“Stop beating yourself up, alright? I’m hardly gonna put up ads all over town looking for a new best friend so you’re good.”

TK smiles a little bit. “Good. I managed to stay in your life this long. I’d hate to get the boot now.”

Carlos sighs dramatically. “Tell me about it. I’ve been trying for so, so long to get rid of you but I just can’t figure out how to shake you loose.”

“ _Anyway_ ,” TK cuts in loudly, rolling his eyes and laughing. “When’s your next free day? I’d like to steal you for a few hours, if you’re down.”

Carlos makes a show of pretending to deliberate this, rubbing his chin and humming thoughtfully. “This Friday. Hmm, what exactly did you have in mind?”

“Honestly? I didn’t get that far in planning yet. I just got home and started missing you like crazy so I figured I’d reach out. We can do literally anything. Hell, I’d sit and watch paint dry with you, Los, I don’t care. We can do whatever you want. Actually, no. More than that. I need a TK and Carlos Day before I lose my mind.”

Carlos can’t help but to smile at this. TK had dubbed TK and Carlos Day as an unofficial holiday since sophomore year. According to him, these days had to be special. A trip to the movies or the mall wouldn’t cut it. They had to go on an actual outing to someplace outside of their usual day to day life. Carlos had always looked forward to these days, that one on one time where the two could go anywhere. As a rule of thumb, these days were typically only issued when something monumental happened.

In tenth grade, the inaugural year, it had been when Carlos came out. TK had insisted this was cause for celebration, dragging Carlos out one Saturday to the O. Henry Museum. His reasons were clear and simple: admission was free—an excellent selling point for two jobless teens, they met each other in English class, and Carlos had become a fan of the author’s work after they’d been assigned a few short stories in said class. Carlos thought it was brilliant and it’d meant the world to him that TK had been so thoughtful. It’d taken a lot for him to come out even though he knew that TK was the last person he’d have to be concerned about telling. All the same, it’d been a breath of fresh air to share his truth with his best friend. To this day, it was one of his most treasured memories.

When TK’s father was diagnosed with cancer two years back, Carlos called for a T and C Day. All he told TK to do was pack an overnight bag. He didn’t give any other instruction or hints as to what he had planned for them. Carlos picked him up in the morning and drove them three hours to Dallas just to get out of Austin for a bit and see something new. TK had grown so withdrawn; it was devastating to watch TK. Carlos could see the mental toll the news had taken on him and wanted to do something special to help bring him out of his dark thoughts, even for a short while.

TK hadn’t been sold on being away from his father but Carlos had consulted with Owen prior to finalizing his plans. Owen was thrilled by Carlos’ idea. It turned out Owen had been concerned about TK as well after he broke the news to his son. That was all the assurance Carlos needed to stick to his plan. Carlos and TK spent a majority of the ride there in silence. Carlos knew TK didn't want to talk about his dad’s diagnosis and that TK’s mind was too fixed on his dad back home to offer much in the way of conversation. But they managed to have an incredible day at the botanical gardens and general sightseeing all over the city. Carlos had booked a room for them to stay overnight, their weekend becoming so filled with wonderful highlights. By the time they got back in the car to head home the next night, TK couldn’t stop chattering the whole way, his good spirits restored.

“Are you sure you want to declare this a TK and Carlos Day? That’s pretty serious business. I don’t know if this really calls for that high level of action,” he says.

TK shook his head in objection, fixing his gaze on Carlos’ eyes. “The way I miss you feels like a state of emergency so yes, please. I’m dead serious about this.”

Carlos searches TK’s face on screen, his heart aching. He’s been dying for some alone time with TK too and it counts for a lot that TK feels unmoored without him as well. They’ve fallen out of sync but neither has lost sight of the other and that’s what matters most of all.

“Okay then, yeah. Let’s do it.”

TK’s whole face lights up like a child’s on Christmas morning. “Seriously? Awesome, alright. Are you off Saturday too?”

“Yeah, surprisingly.”

“Perfect. I like having a backup day just in case.” Carlos could see TK’s mind at work already. “ I’ll figure something out for us and get back to you. I’m really excited.”

Carlos smiles softly, tracing the rim of his glass absentmindedly.

“Me too,” he says quietly.

TK just looks at him for a moment and sighs softly. He opens his mouth but his brows furrow, whatever he was about to say getting cast aside. 

“Ah, sorry my dad just texted me. I have to call him.”

“No worries; I’ll let you go then. Say hi to him for me, yeah? We’ll talk soon.”

TK looks reluctant to get off of the phone but he gives a small wave before ending the call. Carlos sighs and puts his phone down on the counter, letting out a sigh. He finishes off his glass of water, his mind in a bit of a tailspin. Timing has been an interesting thing for them these days and Carlos is glad they were finally able to figure it out long enough to touch base and make plans.

Carlos wasn’t sure what his weekend was going to look like but now that it’s locked in and secured to be spent completely uninterrupted with TK, he can’t stop his heart from skipping like a stone. Carlos is pulled from his thoughts as his phone vibrates.

Carlos picks it up, certain it’s TK following up on a game plan for them after all but as Carlos glances at the screen, he’s met with a message containing plans for next weekend, from a man that isn’t TK.

_Drinks next Saturday?_

Carlos’ heart begins to race for a different reason altogether now. Until this moment, moving on felt hypothetical but as he writes back on the app, confirming that next Saturday works for him, it’s now reality.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i could just cry happy tears for the fact that i'm finally able to update this story. i've had the most horrible bout of writer's block but these guys really had me digging deep to fight through it. we're almost to the end, folks! hope you enjoy! let me know what you think? <33

_'Cause a light came on when I heard that song_ _  
_ _and I want you to sing it again_ _  
_ _I swear that every word you sing, you wrote them for me_ _  
_ _Like it was a private show, I know you never saw me_

It had taken Carlos forever to go to bed last night. He felt wired from his day spent with TK. It certainly didn’t help his mind relax to be lying right next to him. Sleeping beside him was nothing new but he couldn’t quiet his thoughts. His mind ran back throughout their day together, all that led him here now, retracing every step from the moment TK picked him up. Going into it, Carlos of course knew that TK had taken this outing seriously. Things between them had felt a bit off over the last few weeks but it was obvious that TK had meant every word he said during their call earlier this week.

It’d only made Carlos all the more excited to see his friend. Ultimately, it didn’t matter what TK had in store. All Carlos truly cared about was the fact that they would have one on one time. The only notice TK had given him was that he would be taking advantage of both of Carlos’ days off. An overnight trip of any kind sounded ideal, getting the chance to extend the amount of time he’d be able to have TK to himself.

As TK drove, Carlos watched the scenery from the car window, his brow lifting as he began to guess at where TK was taking him. 

“McKinney, huh?” he’d said with a smirk, so confident that he was right.

TK let out a sigh and jokingly rolled his eyes. “I figured I wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret for much longer at this point but yes. I know how much you love that place and I really wanted today to be special so, yeah. Decided I’d go with one of your favorites. It’s still been a while, right?”

Though being a resident of Travis County felt like living within a snow globe at times, Carlos could appreciate the facets of life there that somehow managed to make it feel much larger than it actually was. McKinney Falls State Park wasn’t far from either of their homes at all and yet, it was a place Carlos didn’t get out to as much as he would like. Luckily, TK was there to remedy this problem. Carlos couldn’t remember the last time he’d been there which seemed criminal given how incredible the park was with picturesque trails and stunning waterfalls.

“You chose well. It’s been months.”

TK had beamed, clearly appreciative of Carlos’ seal of approval. Carlos studied his profile for a moment, fixating briefly on the way TK’s smile still lingered on his lips like he was holding onto some private joke. Carlos forced himself to look away, back out at the thicket of trees that line the road as TK brought them closer to the state park. The journey wasn’t a long one, further prompting Carlos to wonder why he hadn’t made any real effort to come out here more often.

But he quickly did away with chiding himself. Had he not put off visiting, he wouldn’t be able to share this moment with TK. Not only was he reuniting with one of his favorite spots in town but he was reconnecting with his favorite person in the world.

Once they arrived, TK found a spot for them on the grounds, killed the engine, and flashed Carlos a bright smile.

“Come on. Those trails aren’t going to hike themselves.”

Carlos exited the car, coming around the back to meet TK at the trunk. His friend was already pulling out two backpacks by the time he settled in beside him. Carlos accepted the black bag TK gave him, hanging it off his right shoulder as TK closed back the trunk and locked the car.

“You weren’t messing around here, were you?”

TK had slipped his backpack on as well, putting his keys into his pocket.

“I told you this was serious business, didn’t I? Let’s go.”

They’d spent the rest of the day taking advantage of the park, going for a hike and exploring the terrain, relaxing their tired limbs afterwards in the creek, lazily swimming and wading by the park’s upper falls. It had felt as if they’d managed to leave the world behind, the two of them with a stretch of time before them. It’d made Carlos wish for an entire week like this but he was just grateful to know he’d have two days.

They’d come back to their camping site, working together to get their tent set up and spent the night sharing memories under the stars. It was perfect, to say the least. TK had been successful in making this TK and Carlos Day yet another one for the books. To know that it wasn’t over just yet, that they still had one more day in store had kept Carlos up for a while. TK had tuckered out pretty easily, the day’s activities making it so sleep found him effortlessly. Carlos was a different story entirely.

He combed through the day, trying to piece together his thoughts. It’d felt incredible to reconnect with TK again. Out here it was easy to forget why TK had called for something outside of their usual hang outs, to forget that TK was in a relationship, and to forget that he was trying desperately to move on from his decade long attraction to his best friend. Out here they simply existed as themselves, free from all other titles and obligations.

Waking up this morning to TK’s soft snoring with the early chatter of birds outside their tent felt like waking up and stepping right into a dream. If every morning could be spent like this, Carlos would ask nothing else of the world.

Once they were both awake and fed, they began to break down their campsite, loading the car back up with the tent and supplies.

“What do you say to one last hike before we go?” TK asks as Carlos closes the trunk.

“I say that sounds like a brilliant idea to me.”

As they begin their hike, Carlos can make out the sound of the nearby falls, the rushing water a comforting bit of background noise in his ears. The creek is visible from this trail, running parallel to them as they wind their way through the trees. Carlos is already trying to plan the next time he’ll be able to come back.

“Thanks for bringing us here,” he says.

TK waves him off like it’s not a big deal but Carlos knows his friend well enough to see he’s proud of himself for choosing an outing that Carlos has been enjoying so much.

“No problem at all. We need to get together again soon. How about next Saturday?”

Carlos almost agrees quickly but closes his mouth and shakes his head as he remembers what he’s already agreed to with the one of the guys he matched with recently. Now the guilt of keeping this part of his life under wraps really begins to creep in. Carlos tries to think of a way to lightly breach the subject but he isn’t so sure that there’s a way for this to go that won’t make things a bit awkward.

“Uh, actually can we do a different day? Sunday maybe? I sorta...have plans on Saturday.”

TK’s brows furrow. “What’s with the cloak and dagger act? What’s happening Saturday?”

Carlos shrugs a shoulder as nonchalantly as possible, kicking at a pebble on the pathway. “I’ve got a date.”

TK stops in his tracks, the soles of his shoes scratching against the packed dirt like a needle on a record. There’s an expression in TK’s eyes that Carlos can’t place. If he had to hazard a guess, it would be surprise mixed with confusion. But there’s also an unnamable emotion though it clears before Carlos can put any more thought to it.

“You have a _date_?” he echoes, his eyes wide and brows raised.

Carlos scoffs, unsure of how he’s supposed to take the clear shock in TK’s voice. Sure, Carlos doesn’t go out with guys as frequently as TK but it still feels like a dig. He stops walking too, still taking in the look on TK’s face. It’s almost like TK doesn’t even recognize him.

“Is it so hard to believe that someone wants to go out with me?”

TK quickly shakes his head, blinking rapidly. 

“Of course not, Carlos. That’s not what I...I didn’t mean—I’m just surprised is all. I didn’t even know you were talking to anyone these days, never mind going out on dates and stuff. You never mentioned anything about it. I just...I didn’t know. I didn’t mean anything by that, honestly.”

Carlos surprises himself with how quickly he gets upset by this. He bites his tongue on saying something snappy about TK missing out on a lot lately because he’s so busy with Alex. It’d only lead to even weirder tension than what he’s feeling now between them or, at worst, a fight. That would be a horrible waste of this uninterrupted time with TK. And, to be fair, Carlos wasn’t exactly keen on disclosing this life update with TK. It makes sense why his friend is being thrown for a loop now.

“Then what exactly did you mean?” he asks, trying to keep his tone leveled.

TK falters and breathes unevenly. It’s weird to be at odds with TK and part of Carlos wonders if he’s blowing this out of proportion, projecting but he’s too bothered now to examine it much further.

“Can we please just start over? I’m not trying to upset you here. That’s the last thing I want to do, especially now.”

Carlos looks away, shifting his gaze to the overhang of pouring water, watching as it steadies the second it meets with the creek. Carlos tries to mirror that in his own mood now, letting go of his frustration and settling himself before focusing on TK. His friend looks troubled and unsure of himself. They don’t fight often and this spat, or whatever this exchange could be considered, seemed to spring from nowhere. But Carlos recognizes that he’s let his insecurities get the best of him. This time was meant to be special, a chance for them to reconnect and get back on track. Sowing further division isn’t something he’s aiming for either.

“I know. I’m sorry,” he concedes, reeling himself back in.

TK stares at him for a moment as if gauging whether or not it’s safe to continue. Carlos nods his head once to encourage him to speak again.

“I’m sorry, too. I guess it’s just hitting me all over again how much things have been changing lately and I don’t like it. I want us to spend more time together like before and I want to know what’s going on with you— outside of work stuff, you know? But I guess...it’s pretty much been my fault, huh? I haven’t been around as much. I got used to us telling each other everything.”

 _Not everything_ , Carlos thinks bitterly. There’s been this secret he’s kept sealed tight for ages and it’s the kind of truth Carlos isn’t so sure TK would ever want to hear. But he knows what his friend is getting at. There’d been countless times over the years where they’d share the most mundane or ridiculous parts of their day with one another just for the sake of sharing. Carlos entering back into the world of dating was huge but it’d been a facet of his life that he wanted to keep to himself for a little while. Maybe it was selfish or maybe it was healthy, all things considered, but he could see now that it’d hurt TK to be left out.

“I guess we really haven’t been checking in as much these days.” It’s an understatement but Carlos doesn’t want to belabor the point. “And it isn’t dates, plural. It’s just this one coming up. I haven’t found anything serious so far but this guy seemed alright but who knows. You know what the scene is like. All these guys are basically the same on these apps. I’m not sure why I’m even bothering.”

It isn’t exactly the truth but this isn’t a door Carlos can open with TK.

TK’s eyes cast down as he fiddles with the pendant around his neck, his expression clouded.

“I’m really bombing as a best friend nowadays, aren’t I?”

The guilt is clear as day on TK’s face. His index finger scratches at the pendant, a dead giveaway that he’s feeling anxious. Carlos swoops in to settle him instinctively, a reflex that comes all too naturally.

“You’re good. You’re in a relationship now,” he laughs softly, trying to lighten the mood. “Alex is important to you and that’s cool.”

“You’re sweet but I don’t want to be _that guy_ though, you know? The one that ditches his best friend because he’s got a boyfriend. I want to know what’s going on in your life. You’re important to me too, Carlos. You’re the most important person to me, actually. Always. You know that, right?”

Carlos smiles softly at him, bumping his shoulder against TK’s lightly. TK doesn’t engage. His eyes are locked in on Carlos’, completely unswayable. 

“I don’t know if it’s supposed to work exactly like that now, T,” Carlos notes.

TK shakes his head. “I don’t care. You’re my number one. Even if I’m being a bit of a dick, don’t forget that, okay?”

His face is so serious that Carlos can only nod in agreement. “I won’t, I promise.”

TK sighs, almost in relief and nods once to himself. “Good.”

A silence falls over them as they continue to walk. Carlos keeps his eyes fixed on their surroundings. These last few minutes aside, these two days really have been spectacular. For as much as he hates being at odds with TK, Carlos is glad they were able to have it out a little. If yesterday was a time for reminiscing about the past, Carlos can appreciate that today was granting them the chance to be open about the present. There’s still so much he wants to get off his chest but the awkwardness is gone now and that had been a source of discomfort. Now Carlos feels as if their friendship has just recalibrated itself. The silence isn’t stiff or rife with tension. It’s just comfortable, a perfect reminder of how easy it is for them to find their way back to one another.

“And for the record,” Carlos says after a moment. “You’ll always be my number one as well...even if you have been a _total_ dick lately,” he continues teasingly, swatting gently at TK’s arm.

TK laughs and Carlos can feel the last veil of nervousness lift off of his best friend at the sound.

“Asshole,” TK grumbles, a smile on his face as he wraps an arm around Carlos’ waist. Carlos doesn’t miss his cue, his arm coming to hang over TK’s shoulders, same as always.

“I’ve missed this,” TK says so quietly that Carlos isn’t sure if his friend is speaking to him or not. 

Still he says, “Me too.”

TK looks over at him and smiles even wider and Carlos’ stomach flips as TK burrows into his side perfectly, two puzzle pieces indeed.

* * *

Carlos orders himself a beer while he waits for his date, doing his best not to let his eyes fly to the door each time someone comes into the bar. He keeps himself busy with idly looking at his phone, looking at articles, going over texts, anything to steady the crop of nerves in his stomach.

Michelle had messaged him earlier in the day, wishing him luck and urging him to have fun tonight. He wishes that could be the case but time is ticking by, his date seemingly running late.

Carlos checks his phone to see if he’s missed any messages from his date but there’s no new notice, absolutely no indication that the man has reached out to him. The longer he sits, the more Carlos doubts that this night will play out like he’d been picturing. He hadn’t gone into this date with any high hopes but getting stood up definitely wasn’t something he foresaw.

It’s been about thirty minutes now and Carlos still hasn’t heard back from his date. He sends a message that he figures will go unanswered.

“Drinking alone tonight?” the bartender asks as she works the tap.

Carlos chuckles dryly. “Wasn’t exactly the plan but it looks that way now, yeah.”

The bartender gives a small, polite smile and Carlos feels as if he could just die right there on the spot from embarrassment.

“Well, if it’s any consolation, I think whoever didn’t show is a total idiot,” she says.

It’s enough to make Carlos smile as she wipes at the counter with a rag quickly with a friendly wink before turning her attention to the group of guys that just showed up a few feet from Carlos. He nurses his drink as the bar becomes a bit more crowded with patrons. 

This isn’t where he wants to be. It’s starting to feel suffocating being surrounded by people as the Saturday night crowd thickens.

If he were someone else, it would be all too easy to scan the room now and take home the first attractive guy that caught his eye. But that wasn’t who Carlos was, had ever been, or had any intention of being— now more so than ever. He likes actual investments. It wasn’t like him to be bold enough to salvage the night by hooking up with some stranger, even if almost anyone in his shoes would do just that. Carlos’ focus is completely shot but he manages to pull himself together enough to pay for the drinks he’s had and leave a generous tip for the bartender who turned out to be his only real source of company tonight. 

He gets into his car and sits for a moment, the sounds of the bustling nightlife outside the vehicle a bit dulled in the enclosed space. He isn’t able to sit with his thoughts for long before his phone buzzes from his pocket. He takes it out, his eyes narrowing as he reads what’s written.

_Oh man, I’m so sorry about tonight! Something came up and I lost track of time. If you don’t totally hate me already, could we raincheck?_

Carlos stares down at the message on his phone screen, torn. Part of him wants to rage. The other part of him reasons that he could be cordial. At least the guy got in touch with him, even if it was after the fact. But Carlos realizes he doesn’t owe this guy anything so he opts to say nothing at all. To preserve what’s left of his dignity for the night, Carlos deletes the app altogether. This isn’t worth his time or energy, he’s starting to see. He was sick of this already. It’d taken a lot for him to be willing to take that first solid effort in moving on but this was already a misstep. Perhaps he just wasn’t cut out for any of this after all? Carlos can feel a moment of clarity dawn on him. He wouldn’t set any store into dating. He’ll focus on himself. That’s what all the signs seem to be pointing to.

He pulls up his contact list, seeking out the one person he feels comfortable sharing this upset with right now. The phone only rings twice before he’s greeted.

“Carlos? What’s up? Is everything okay?” Michelle asks, undoubtedly confused as to why he’s calling her so early, when he’s supposed to be busy right now.

“I’m not really sure.” Carlos surprises himself with the honesty but Michelle is one of his best friends. He can be open with her about what he’s feeling, even if he’s still trying to figure it out.

“I’m home now if you want to swing by. We can talk about it...or not talk, if that’s what you want.”

Carlos is quiet for a second as he stares out the windshield. He watches as people pop into bars and restaurants on the street, everyone seeming to have a great time. It’s a weird sensation to have a front row seat to all of this but not actually be a part of it. He could cave and go home and wallow on his own but that wouldn’t feel right either.

“I’ll be there in ten.”

* * *

At the end of their day together, Carlos had been happy when he and TK resolved to make plans for this Sunday instead since his Saturday was taken up. At the time it seemed like a great idea, a solid alternative that would grant them the chance to see each other again so soon. But as he sits across from TK now at an outdoor café with Alex who unexpectedly decided to join them, this is starting to feel like something of a nightmare.

TK had sent him a text ahead of time letting him know that Alex had asked to tag along. It wasn’t quite what Carlos had in mind and he had to wonder at why Alex even wanted to be there but Carlos didn’t object. He could play nice, he supposed. Over the last four months, he’s become something of an expert at ignoring Alex whenever they’re around each other. Interactions like this were limited, just the way he preferred. TK served as a good buffer, enough that Carlos could stomach conversations with Alex chiming in.

Carlos picks at his scone absently as they make pleasant small talk about work, TK sharing the latest crazy stories from calls he’s been on and Carlos doing the same. He knows they’re skating around the topic TK undoubtedly wants to get to but he’s glad for the layover for the time being. Alex hasn’t said much of anything, his phone like an extra appendage. He places it face down on the table, draping an arm over the back of TK’s seat before taking a sip of his coffee.

Alex has spent the better part of their time together texting, only offering a small laugh here and there. What was the point of him being here if he had nothing to contribute? Carlos finds it irritating and rude but he knows he’s more than likely being biased in thinking that. Anything Alex does seemingly gets under his skin. Carlos has been trying and failing over the last few months to curb the frustration he feels towards him but something about Alex just grates at him.

Carlos knows a considerable fraction of that is jealousy but there’s something else he can’t quite put his finger on that makes him uneasy any time he’s face to face with Alex. It’s much easier to deal with the man in small doses or, preferably, by proxy like hearing stories secondhand from TK. 

Alex’s phone rings and the man picks it back up again. He glances at the screen, his arm slipping from behind TK to grip the device with both hands.

“Oh, I’ve gotta take this. Excuse me a minute,” he says, rising from his chair and stepping away from the table. 

TK watches him go but Carlos watches TK. When his friend looks back at him, he’s smiling knowingly, tucking his chair even further under the table and leaning his head forward like he’s eager to hear a secret. Carlos knows where this is going. He figured the moment they were alone, TK would ask...

“How’d your date go?”

This was the question Carlos has been dreading and he mentally curses himself for having even mentioned to TK that he was set to go out with anyone. This could have been a truth he didn’t ever have to share. It was embarrassing enough to have sat inside the bar waiting for his date to show. Now he has to relive it and relay it to the man he’s secretly in love with.

“It didn’t,” he says simply but even still, he knows a response like this will warrant TK to dig further for actual clarification.

As expected, TK looks confused, his head tilting almost comically to the side. “Wait, what? What happened? What do you mean?”

Carlos’ shoulders stiffen, bracing himself for his own reply. “I mean, he never showed. I waited like an idiot for almost an hour.” He says it lightly but the shame burns white hot in the pit of his stomach.

TK’s eyes narrow and darken, his face growing stony. “That’s such crap. What’s this guy’s problem?” 

“It’s fine. I should’ve known better than to get my hopes up. The dating scene here is horrible ,” he jokes, hoping to alleviate some of the awkwardness he feels but TK doesn’t take the out like Carlos wishes he would.

“No, it’s not fine and this isn’t on you,” he counters. “I can’t believe someone would be dumb enough to do that to you. I’m so sorry, Carlos. You’re incredible. Any guy would be lucky to even get the chance to talk to you, never mind actually land a date with you.”

It’s a bittersweet thing to hear coming from TK of all people. Carlos wonders if TK would ever count himself among the swarm of guys who would allegedly be counting their blessings if Carlos expressed an interest. 

TK is genuinely bothered by this, so much so that his nostrils flare and his head shakes. It makes Carlos feel good to have someone view him in a high regard but he knows it’s just TK being a protective friend and nothing more. Ideally his rage would be because he wishes he had the opportunity but TK was so wrapped up and happy with Alex that Carlos dismisses the notion that TK is incensed for any other reason.

Carlos just shrugs, avoiding TK’s gaze by fiddling with his cup. He can hear TK breathe out heavily through his nose, his fingers erratically tapping against the table top. Carlos is used to TK’s tics. They always spring about when he’s feeling anxious or overwhelmed. Carlos reaches out and places a hand over TK’s to still his fingers. TK looks down and back up to his face. Carlos offers a small, reassuring smile and it’s enough to get TK’s shoulders to finally loosen.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, licking his lips. The muscle in Carlos’ jaw flexes instinctively at the sight of TK’s tongue working over his mouth.

“Don’t be. I’m touched that you care so much but I’m okay, I promise. It’s a bump in the road but I’m good. I’m taking this as the sign I’m sure it is. ”

TK’s brow arches, his body shifting in his seat. “And what sign would that be?”

Carlos shrugs, tracing the rim of his mug. “That maybe dating isn’t the right thing for me. At least not right now anyway. I took my time getting back out there and it’s already failing, so I’ll just wait a beat. I can be patient until the right person comes along. I’m done chasing after people. Whoever actually wants to be with me wouldn’t run in the first place.”

TK’s lips twitch like he’s gearing up to say something. Instead he stays quiet, eyes growing soft, his expression unreadable. It’s rare that Carlos looks at TK and doesn’t have a clue what the guy is thinking. TK searches his face as if scanning for any signs in his expression that he isn’t being completely honest with him here. Carlos is acutely aware of the fact that he’s still touching TK’s hand but the other man makes no effort to pull back. Instead, TK takes it a step further, lacing their fingers as he continues to stare at Carlos.

Carlos’ heart flutters at the move. If he could just have this all the time, if it could be in the context he’s been dreaming of for so long, it would mean the world to him. Even with all the upset over his failed date and overall attempts to move on, TK manages to cut through the static with a simple gesture like this. They’ve always been good at grounding each other, sometimes without having to speak at all.

TK’s expression softens, as does the tightness in Carlos’ chest. It’s odd realizing just how much influence they have on one another. If TK isn’t happy, neither is he and vice versa.

TK keeps his eyes fixed on Carlos and he’s unable to do anything other than look back freely. It feels like TK’s saying something important with this look alone but before Carlos can decipher the meaning behind those unspoken words or ask what thoughts are on TK’s mind, a clear voice speaks to the left of him.

“Everything alright here?”

Carlos and TK look away from each other sharply and towards Alex who has just returned to the table. Carlos hadn’t even heard him approaching at all. Now that he thinks about it, he suddenly can’t remember hearing anything other than the pulsing in his ears as he held TK’s gaze, as he basked in the warmth of their palms pressed together. This wasn’t the way he should be feeling or acting towards TK anymore. 

His friend was in a committed relationship. There were boundaries that had to be in place. Even if he feels indifferent towards Alex, he feels guilty for overstepping in this area. While it might not have meant much to TK, Carlos knows what he feels inside each time TK touches him. If nothing else, he knows he should be putting a stop to encounters such as this. There’s actual significance behind it all for him.

Carlos can feel something like shame run up the length of his spine. It burns at the back of his neck like a summer sun the longer he looks at Alex. He slips his hand out of TK’s grasp and drags it back to his side, his thumbnail absentmindedly stroking the edge of the table. TK nods at Alex and smiles.

“Yeah, just having a best friend moment,” he muses but Alex looks doubtful. Carlos doesn’t think TK picks up on it. 

He’s so used to smoothing things over with his beautiful smile and, Carlos supposes, that’s all this truly was for TK—just a brief instance between friends. His tone is so smooth and even; TK must not be feeling the riot in his stomach like him.

Carlos busies himself with his drink, taking a sip and watching traffic roll past as TK strikes up a private conversation with Alex. Carlos is glad for it though. His mind is racing far too much to be an active participant in this right now.

He’s been trying so desperately to move on. He’s convinced himself that it’s for the best, that he’s truly accepted that TK has gotten serious with Alex. Yet, at the first signs of attention or the possibility of physical contact with TK, he welcomes the gestures with open arms so willingly. Had he not vowed to himself the night before that he wouldn’t dwell so much on his feelings for TK? That he would spare himself the heartbreak and focus on work and looking inward instead?

Carlos knows he needs to get a lid on this and fast. He isn’t sure how much longer he has until the truth finds a way out.

“Los?” TK says, breaking Carlos out of his reverie. It must be obvious he’s been zoned out for a while because TK laughs and repeats himself. “I asked if you’re available Wednesday night. I want to celebrate my three years at the 126 with dinner or something with you guys.”

Carlos nods slowly, still pulling his thoughts together, trying to remember his own schedule. “Um, yeah. I should be out at about six, if things aren’t too busy.”

TK nods once. “Perfect, I’ll make reservations for 8 o’clock to give you time to freshen up and all that.”

Carlos still feels shaken but he manages to plaster on a smile. It’s enough to sate TK who resumes whatever conversation he had going before with his boyfriend. Carlos knows he’s playing a dangerous game here and that his feelings are coming alarmingly close to breaking through the surface. These little moments with TK have always been a source of comfort but now they were proving themselves to be roadblocks on his path to moving on. It was one thing to say the words but to actually do the hard work of distancing himself romantically wasn’t nearly as easy as Carlos has been hoping it’d be. 

Looking at TK now, he can see that he’s in a good place. To tamper with that—in any capacity— would be the most selfish thing he could ever do. 

He stares down into his now empty cup, feeling much the same— completely drained and needing to be wiped clean.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we did it, guys! we've made it to the fourth and final chapter. seriously, thank you all so much for your kind support of this fic. i cannot even begin to tell you what it's meant to me. this chapter ran away from me but i hope you don't mind. enjoy! as always, feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you think 💕💜

_…I know he don't deserve you_ _  
__If you were mine, I'd never let anyone hurt you, no, no_ _  
__I wanna dry those tears, kiss those lips_ _  
__It's all that I've been thinking about_

Carlos tells himself he can get through this dinner, this one night in company with TK and Alex again. He’s been making good on his promise to himself these last few days, doing his utmost best not to dwell on his feelings for TK and focus primarily on work to keep him busy. It’s a new week, a clean slate and Carlos is adamant about hitting the reset button and leaving all the negativity of the prior week behind.

Once he arrives at the restaurant for the celebration dinner, Carlos gives TK’s name to the hostess who informs him that his party is already waiting for him. She grabs a menu from the podium and escorts Carlos to the table.

He spots TK first, his breath catching at the sight of his best friend greeting him with a warm smile, eyes capturing the candlelight from the table. It makes his heart swell for a moment but it quickly passes the second Alex turns in his seat. Carlos offers up a wave as he makes his way over, TK already pulling out the seat beside him for Carlos to sit down.

“Carlos,” Alex greets with a stiff nod of his head as he sits. Carlos responds in kind, mirroring the gesture before picking up the menu in front of him.

“Were you guys waiting long?” Carlos asks TK.

“Oh no, we just got here a few minutes early and they were ready for us, you’re fine.”

Carlos looks over the menu, making up his mind just as their waiter comes to the table and takes their orders.

For all his trepidation going into this dinner, Carlos feels himself relaxing a bit more as the three of them fall into easy conversation. Since their outing at the café, Carlos had vowed to himself to be a bit warmer towards Alex. It’s proving itself to be a work in progress but like with everything else he’s been trying to curb as of late, he’s giving it a fair shot.

Their food arrives and conversation tapers off as they begin to dine, the table filled with the clinking of utensils on plates.

There’s a faint buzzing sound that draws Carlos’ attention a few minutes later. Alex sticks a hand into the inside of his blazer, eyes fixed on his phone screen once he’s retrieved it.

“Pardon me,” Alex says, pushing back his chair and rising from his seat, already putting his phone to his ear by the time he walks past TK.

Carlos looks to his friend and sees TK’s brows furrow for the faintest of seconds before it passes. Something feels off to Carlos but he tries not to dwell on it. He focuses on his meal, chatting with TK about the busy day he’s had at work. He’s in the middle of talking about his last call of the evening when his fork slips from his hand, leaving a noticeable stain on his shirt where his food splashes.

“Should I ask the waiter for a bib?” TK teases, handing him a napkin.

“Jerk.” Carlos tries to clear it away but he only seems to make it worse. “I’ll be right back.”

Carlos excuses himself from the table, giving TK’s shoulder a light squeeze before he goes. He hates himself for seeking out that bit of contact but it was practically a reflex.

He crosses the restaurant and heads to the back alcove where the bathrooms are located, stopping short of the opening when he hears Alex’s voice.

“I know, baby. I miss you, too but I’ve got to go.” Alex pauses and laughs warmly, affectionately Carlos would argue. “Yes, I swear I’ll make it up to you. Of course, uh huh. I love you, too, babe.”

Carlos’ eyes widen. He doesn’t want to jump to conclusions but this seems like a pretty open and shut case, especially with the way Alex startles when he walks out and sees him.

Alex tries to play it off, placing a friendly pat on Carlos’ arm but Carlos isn’t keen on playing along, jerking his body back.

Alex frowns, his jaw clenching as he holds up his phone.

“Just had a chat with my sister,” he says, rattling the phone in his hand before pocketing it.

Carlos lifts a brow. “You call your sister baby? There are laws against that sort of thing, you know.”

This comment wipes the friendly smile off Alex’s face, the charade dropped entirely.

“How the hell could you do this to TK?” Carlos snaps. 

By nature he isn’t the most argumentative person but on rare occasions, when a situation calls for it, his soft demeanor flips, most notably when it’s in defense of someone he cares about.

“I’m not doing anything. Look, I don’t know what you think you heard but this has nothing to do with TK—“

“Please don’t bullshit me right now, Alex,” Carlos cuts in, his voice as cold and hard as steel. “You had better tell him and quick or else I will. TK is amazing and if you’re too blind or stupid to see that, the least you can do is not go behind his back. Have the decency to tell him.”

Alex stares at him, his jaw clenched but Carlos doesn’t back down or waver. He hasn’t been this angry in so long and it’s only because they’re in a restaurant and TK is a few feet away that he puts a lid on his anger to keep it from boiling over completely.

“I bet you’re just loving this,” Alex quips, crossing his arms over his chest. “Counting down the time until you can finally make something of your crush on TK.”

Carlos isn’t expecting this and he knows his face betrays it because Alex huffs out a laugh and rolls his eyes.

“The only person who can’t tell you’re in love with TK _is_ TK.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. He’s my best friend.”

“Right, because you’ve been in the friend zone for...how many years now?”

The words cut deep but Carlos refuses to let Alex get the best of him at this moment. 

“Tell him or I swear to God I will,” he stresses again. “Be glad I’m even giving you a warning.” 

He stares Alex down for a moment before brushing past him and going into the restroom, taking a breath. His hands are trembling as he stands in front of the mirror. He turns on the faucet and lets the cold water run for a bit before cupping his hands beneath the stream and burying his face in his palms. He does this a few times until he can only focus on the chill seeping through his pores, the cold taking place of the heat on his face.

Carlos looks at himself. His expression is moody and he knows that TK will be able to tell something is wrong but he also knows he has to get back to the table. He’s already been gone so long. He tries to focus on getting the stain out his shirt but he doesn’t actually care about that. He takes a few seconds to pull himself together.

It’s not like him to lose his cool and he’s upset he allowed Alex of all people to get under his skin but it couldn’t be helped though. The man knew how to work his way there expertly, cutting into Carlos with the truth he’s been trying to grapple with for almost half his life.

He was hopelessly in love with TK and the world knew it. He would give anything for it to be the inverse and for TK to not only know how he felt but to feel it back.

Reluctantly, Carlos looks away and goes back into the dining area of the restaurant, rejoining the table. Alex is chattering away and just the sound of his voice puts Carlos’ teeth on edge. 

TK glances at him and smiles, his brows soon knitting together as he takes in Carlos completely.

“You alright there?” he asks, cutting across whatever anecdote Alex was in the middle of.

TK searches his face, those beautiful eyes clouded with concern.

“Yeah, I’m alright.”

TK touches his elbow lightly and Carlos swears he can feel the warmth of his fingertips burrowing through his skin to the core of him. Too soon TK pulls his hand away, leaving Carlos feeling devoid of something he can’t quite name just then.

It’s torture sitting across from Alex now as he continues on with conversation as if nothing is wrong. Lying and being deceitful are such abstract concepts for Carlos. He wonders at how long Alex has been seeing this other guy and how he’s been able to look TK in the face every day and carry on as if he doesn’t have a whole different life running parallel to this one.

Carlos is quiet all throughout the rest of the meal, finishing his dinner and suffering a bit longer through dessert. He counts it as a mercy when the check arrives.

Alex whips out his wallet first, tossing his card on the table. He reaches for the receipt, signing off on it.

TK tries to protest but Alex waves him off, flashing a smile that makes Carlos feel sick to his stomach.

“My treat, seriously,” Alex insists, closing the receipt case back. “It’s the least I could do.”

His eyes meet Carlos’ who just stares back at him. If the man is expecting praise or a word of thanks, he sure as hell won’t be getting it from Carlos. Covering the bill isn’t going to earn him points or redeem him in any way. Their waiter returns and slips the case off the table, breaking Carlos' attention away.

“That was really sweet of you, babe. Thank you,” TK says and it takes every ounce of Carlos’ reserve not to scream that he shouldn’t be thanking Alex for anything, that he shouldn’t be impressed by anything the man has ever said or done.

Once the waiter returns with Alex’s card, Carlos is on his feet.

TK looks at him curiously but Alex either has the good sense or the cowardice not to look at him just then.

“I’ve got an early morning,” he says to TK. It isn’t a lie but the real truth is that he can’t stand to stay around Alex a moment longer.

“Right, totally. It is getting pretty late anyway.”

All three men exit the restaurant and Carlos is grateful for the fresh air, for the chance to breathe in something clean and allow the chilled night to temper his mood. 

“We’re parked this way,” TK says, his thumb jutting behind him.

“I’m the other way.” Carlos looks intently at TK, feeling a tightness in his chest, an odd mix of joy and pain. TK always makes him happy but this newfound secret he’s keeping from TK hurts him.

“It was good seeing you tonight,” he says. If nothing else, at least he got to see his best friend. It just gnaws at him, having this hidden truth between them. He’s completely blocked out Alex who is standing a few feet away, a useful skill that proves itself extremely valuable on the heels of all he’s learned about the man tonight.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” TK searches his eyes, placing a hand on his cheek gently. 

It’s so affectionate, so caring but Carlos knows that’s simply how TK always is with him. It doesn’t mean anything, at least not in the ways he’s been hoping for since they were fifteen.

“I just need to get some rest. It’s been a long day,” he replies, placing a cupped hand over TK’s wrist.

Carlos figures it’s little gestures like this that make Michelle so adamant that they act like a couple already. He tries to see themselves through the eyes of a passerby. He supposes that’s the assumption they’d make. He’d give the world for it to be a correct assessment. 

TK frowns, clearly not impressed or satisfied with this answer. Carlos supposes his friend can sense or see a weariness in his eyes because he doesn’t push the topic further. Instead he lowers his hand and wraps his arms around Carlos.

Carlos doesn’t hesitate in returning the hug, his hands coming to rest on the expanse of TK’s back. He wants to confess, to spill the horrible secret that’s already starting to spread like a cancer inside him. How Alex has been able to hide the truth for so long, Carlos will never know. He’s only known for an hour and it’s killing him already.

“Call me if you need to talk, alright?” TK offers as they break apart.

Carlos just nods, unsure of what to say. He knows he won’t be picking up the phone tonight. He isn’t in the mood to talk and even if he was, he isn’t sure what would come pouring out of him. For as much as he wants TK to be brought up to speed on what’s happening, he feels the words need to come from Alex.

It’s daunting to put faith into the idea that Alex will do the right thing when he’s more than proven how distrustful he is. But Carlos will give him the benefit of the doubt for right now. He figures he can be generous and give Alex a full day. Anything beyond that and he’ll take matters into his own hands.

TK says goodnight to him, turning back to walk alongside Alex to the man’s car. Carlos stays rooted to his spot for a moment watching them go. Alex glances over his shoulder and even from a distance Carlos is certain the other man can feel the full brunt of his glare. 

Alex is on borrowed time. The clock is ticking and from the guilty expression on his face, Carlos can tell Alex knows that.

* * *

From the moment he woke up, Carlos has felt as if he’s been in a fog. He’d barely managed to sleep last night, his mind constantly replaying the events of his disastrous dinner. At the center of his thoughts has been TK. Carlos’ heart breaks all over again at the thought of his best friend.

It was a wonder that Carlos managed to get through his shift today. Each time his phone chimed or buzzed, he practically jumped out of his skin thinking it was an incoming call or text from TK. But the entire day was spent with radio silence on TK’s end, leaving Carlos with a sense of dread that Alex had chickened out.

He’s only been home for an hour now when there’s a hurried double knock against the door followed by two rings of the doorbell. Whoever is on the other side is clearly persistent in getting his attention. Carlos leaves from his bedroom and heads towards the front of his home.

“I’m coming,” he calls out, approaching the door warily.

“It’s me,” comes TK’s voice and Carlos rushes to let him in.

For all his haste to get Carlos to open up, TK stands frozen in place. His eyes are rimmed a deep pink, his cheeks flushed. Carlos knew Alex’s confession would blindside and hurt TK but this sight breaks Carlos.

“Come here,” he says, holding open his arms.

Numbly, TK slips into his embrace. Carlos closes the door with his foot as TK sighs heavily against his shoulder.

“He cheated on me. I’ve been so stupid,” he mumbles. 

Carlos closes his eyes and gently cards through TK’s hair.

“It wasn’t stupid to believe your boyfriend would be faithful to you. That’s the bare minimum.”

“You had my back,” TK notes unexpectedly, pulling back. “Alex said you let him have it.”

Carlos flexes his jaw muscle, still bothered by his conversation with Alex last night. He wasn't expecting Alex to make any mention of Carlos finding him out but he supposes this little tidbit was something important to note. At least it explained the mood Carlos was in throughout the evening. 

“Of course I did. And I wanted to tell you immediately, I really did. I just—he needed to own up to it.”

Carlos didn’t want Alex to feel as if he had an out. His dishonesty and betrayal was something that Carlos was thoroughly disgusted by. He needed Alex to be the one to confess, though, he’d been serious in his threat outside the bathroom. Even if it meant ultimately doing Alex’s dirty work for him, had this gone beyond a day, Carlos would have intervened. He would hope that if he were ever in a situation like this, someone would do the right thing on his behalf.

Carlos leads them to the living room, the pair sitting beside each other on the couch. TK’s elbows are propped on his knees, a restless hand raking through his hair quickly. There’s a nervous energy coming off of him that Carlos is trying to figure out how to navigate. It feels different than TK’s usual bouts of anxiety. There’s a nervousness to TK that Carlos can’t pin down.

TK nods and wipes at his face. “I agree with that. I’m not upset with you or anything. I just feel so...I don’t know. I trusted him. I should’ve seen it.”

“Hey, no. Don’t do that. Don’t go blaming yourself for someone else’s mistakes. You’re more than he ever deserved.”

Carlos still can’t believe that someone would squander an opportunity like this. He would have given anything to be with TK, to shower him with love and affection. Yet when Alex had this chance, he ruined it and ran off to be with someone else. It just didn’t make sense to him. 

TK smiles faintly, as if trying to absorb what Carlos is saying to him. “It’s just as well,” TK mumbles. “I haven’t exactly been fair to him this whole time either.”

Carlos isn’t sure what that’s supposed to mean. TK spent almost all of his time with Alex. He was constantly talking about him; a model boyfriend.

“Are you going to be okay?” Carlos asks, placing a hand on TK’s shoulder.

TK stays hunched over and for the life of him, Carlos cannot fully decipher his expression. There’s the obvious hurt and shock that comes from finding out his boyfriend had been cheating on him. There’s also some kind of pensiveness that Carlos doesn’t know what to make of.

“Seriously, TK, are you alright?”

TK stares straight ahead for a moment, seemingly collecting himself and pulling away from his thoughts before he speaks again.

“The crazy thing is, I don’t really think I’m that upset,” he says slowly, still piecing his thoughts together. “I mean, yeah, it sucks and I didn’t see it coming but I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work with him. I tried really hard to make it work and it just didn’t. It couldn’t.”

Carlos stares at TK, attempting to gauge where his mind is now. He’s got a distant look on his face and part of Carlos wonders how much of this TK is even trying to share with him or if he just so happens to be a fellow passenger on his train of thought. 

“I always knew he and I weren't meant to be,” TK continues softly.

He runs a hand through his hair again. Carlos remains in place beside him, holding his breath, almost too afraid to say anything and unsure of what he could even possibly offer now. He decides it’s best just to let TK control the reins for a little while, to let him steer this conversation.

“Alex said something to me that I can’t shake.” TK turns to look fully at him and Carlos lowers his hand, letting it fall from TK’s shoulder to his own lap. TK looks so serious that it’s making him feel anxious.

“Carlos, I’m going to ask you something and I need you to be completely honest with me when you answer.”

This is setting Carlos on edge. He tries to think of what Alex could’ve said to make TK quite this grave. His heart sinks to the bottom of his stomach. Alex wouldn’t have shared his secret, would he? Carlos reasons that Alex very well could have, that he most likely did. After all, he had the motive. Their confrontation hadn’t been an agreeable one but still, Carlos couldn’t believe that Alex would be spiteful enough to blab. All the same, Carlos decides to play it cool until he knows with absolute certainty that TK’s ex took it upon himself to expose Carlos’ true feelings about his best friend.

TK blinks twice and sighs bracingly. “Carlos, do you love me?”

The question is so blunt that Carlos jerks back as if he’s been struck. He can barely breathe. There’s a knot in his chest that seems to have crept in out of nowhere.

“Of course, I do. You’re my best friend, you know that.”

TK gives him a meaningful look. Carlos sighs wearily and purses his lips.

“TK, we don’t have to get into this right now, okay? You’ve got a lot going on with everything and this doesn’t matter anyway so we can drop it.”

It’s not a confession but it’s hardly a denial either and from the look on TK’s face, it’s confirmation enough of the truth.

“It does matter. You could have...I should have…,” he sighs and shakes his head. “We could've figured this out.”

It’s this statement that needles at Carlos. He couldn’t have just come out with it, despite how badly he’s wanted to every day since they met sophomore year. Carlos had toyed with the notion more times than he could ever keep track of but the fear was always there and it never seemed appropriate. Either one or both of them was seeing someone else or was just fresh off a breakup. It always felt off and Carlos wanted them to have a fighting chance, if he was ever bold enough to speak up.

“When? Our timing has never been right and if it hasn’t happened for us by now, clearly it never will and I’m…I’m okay with that. I love what we have now enough to be okay with it.”

TK eyes him with such hurt. Carlos feels like throwing up.

“You can’t break your own heart, least of all for me. It’s not fair to you,” TK says softly.

Carlos looks away, shaking his head.

“I can’t believe Alex told you this.” Even with Alex out of his life for good now, the man still managed to give Carlos the worst kind of parting gift, making sure he still lingered for a short while. A horrible aftertaste. 

“He just said he thinks there’s been something going on between us and that I should talk to you about it. And I knew he was right about that.”

“Right, well, we spoke. It’s handled and we can move on,” Carlos says, standing up and beginning to pace.

“Hang on, Carlos, please.” It’s the pleading tone that roots Carlos to the ground, making him freeze in place. “I’m getting this whole thing wrong,” he sighs.

Carlos keeps his back to TK, fearing the expression his best friend must be wearing now. He isn’t sure what he hopes for at this point but he doesn’t feel strong enough to handle even the possibility that there’s pity in TK’s eyes. He already feels foolish enough as it is. Anything more just might send him to his breaking point.

Carlos can hear TK coming closer to him and he exhales slowly through his mouth to steel himself for whatever’s coming next. It’s only when he feels his best friend’s hand on his arm that he reluctantly turns to face him.

“Did you honestly think I could never love you back?” TK asks, his voice low and measured. “Did you really think, in all the years that we’ve known each other, that I never saw you in that way?”

Carlos thinks back to the countless little moments between them: shared glances that perhaps lasted a moment too long, TK seeking his hand out casually, small, seemingly innocuous touches that felt like lifelines to Carlos. The subtlety to it all. These questions being posed now make Carlos feel so hopeful but that’s a dangerous emotion to have, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

“Sometimes I would hope but I didn’t think I had a real reason to.”

Perhaps this isn’t the right thing to say. TK’s face falls and he swallows thickly, removing his hand from Carlos’ arm. Carlos can feel his heart sink down even lower somehow. He’s quick to keep speaking.

“You were always nice to me but I couldn’t tell if there was more to it or if you were just being your usual self. You make everyone feel loved and special. It’s your superpower and one of the best things about you. But the way you’d talk about guys you liked, it was different from how you’d talk about me.”

“Because it _is_ different with you, Carlos. Since day one it’s been different.”

Carlos’ head tilts to the side, almost as if trying to see past conversations differently.

“You’ve always mattered more than anyone to me and you always will. I just—you’ve seen me at my lowest points. I never knew how to say any of this to you. You know things about me that I’ll probably never be able to share with anyone in the world. You know all my messy secrets. Because of that I didn’t think you’d ever—“ TK cuts himself off and draws in a steadying breath before continuing.

“You know all the reasons why I’m probably not a good choice so I’ve been trying so hard all these years to distract myself, to try and get over you, to get you out my head and heart that way. But you’re in here, Carlos. No matter how many guys I see, there’s nowhere I can go to hide from this and I’m so sick of running from it. Of running from you and all that we could be. I’m done with that. I’m not running anymore. These last few days…,” he trails off, shaking his head. Carlos holds his breath, his heart racing as TK continues.

“If I said or did the wrong thing to scare you off? God, I don’t know what I would do then. Nothing scares me more than the thought of ruining us. I can’t afford to lose you. I just can’t.”

A few tears roll down TK’s cheeks and Carlos’ first instinct is to wipe them away. He follows through, tentatively cupping TK’s face and brushing his thumbs gently over his skin. TK’s eyes flutter closed as his hand lightly grips Carlos’ left wrist. When TK’s eyes open, Carlos is right there staring into them. He can feel something pass between them, a weight being lifted.

It hurts him to think TK has been living with this fear all along, harboring this notion that Carlos couldn’t feel anything deeper than friendship for him because of his past obstacles. At times it was easy to forget how insecure TK could feel in private when he was such a natural at keeping up appearances. All of those hardships had never once been a deterrent for Carlos. He’d always admired TK’s strength and resilience. If anything, it made him fall that much harder for him.

“You've been through a lot, yes. But it never made me think less of you somehow. I’m always in awe of you. You could never lose me, TK. I care about you too much to ever let go.”

TK wraps his arms around Carlos and Carlos hugs him back, cradling his body to his frame. TK’s eyes close as his forehead comes to rest against Carlos’. 

“What you were saying before?” Carlos asks, unable to shake his curiosity over what TK stopped himself from saying. “What about these last few days?”

TK shudders against him and sighs.

“They lit a fire. Out on the trail...when you mentioned having a date. That was when it really hit me that we could seriously lose our chance. It just—it made it all real to me and it scared me so much, Los. That’s the real reason I acted like that, not because I didn’t think you made for a good catch but because I knew all the ways you did. And there it was that some other guy was seeing it too. You felt so far away, like we were slipping from each other, and it was my own damn fault because I was too scared to tell you how much I’ve wanted you all this time. But I also wanted you to be happy because it’s what you deserve more than anything. I just...I just wished I could’ve been him. I wished I could have been brave enough to make a move.”

Carlos can barely piece together a coherent thought. He blinks, trying his best to let TK’s admissions sink in fully. He could easily recall TK’s initial response during their hike, the surprise on his face. In the moment, Carlos had taken it as a slight but now he could see just how wrong he was. TK was merely feeling the same level of fear he experienced each time his best friend got together with someone new. 

“And I wanted to be in Alex’s place,” Carlos counters. “It felt weird putting myself out there and then when it didn’t pan out, it felt like a sign to focus on myself, you know? Figure some things out. And you guys were getting so serious, I really thought this could've been it for you.”

TK shakes his head. “It was always doomed, believe me. I think I just got good at hiding after all this time. I came so close so many times to telling you but I didn’t know how.”

Carlos cups TK’s chin, his thumb brushing along his jaw. TK’s lips part, in surprise, in invitation, maybe both.

“I want this so badly,” Carlos confesses softly. It just pours so freely from him but there’s no need now to be guarded about the way he feels. His heart has already been laid bare.

TK peers at him and Carlos notes how much more relaxed TK looks and feels now in comparison to when he first arrived. This is all Carlos could ever want for the both of them, to continue being a source of comfort for each other as they venture into new territory.

Carlos brushes his nose lightly against TK’s, basking in their closeness, in this newfound intimacy. TK hums softly at the feel, his eyes shutting briefly before opening back up again, meeting with Carlos’. It’s terrifying how everything he’s always wanted is quite literally in his hands. It’s almost too much for Carlos to make sense of at this moment. He smiles at TK and kisses his cheek, lingering there. TK groans before laughing quietly.

“You’re a few inches away from where I was hoping—“

Carlos doesn’t give him the chance to finish the thought, silencing him with a feather light kiss to test the waters. TK’s hand runs up Carlos’ chest and shoulders, coming to rest at the nape of his neck. It’s all the assurance Carlos needs to kiss him again, this time with more emphasis. His hands anchor against TK’s hips, pressing their bodies together as his mouth gets familiar with TK’s.

This comes naturally to them, just as Carlos had always suspected it would. TK’s nails drag lightly against his neck and Carlos can’t stop the moan that claws its way out of his chest. Of course TK would uncover one of his weaknesses this easily, this early on.

Carlos deepens the kiss, his curious hands roaming further along TK’s frame, nails clawing gently. His lips learn the shape of TK’s mouth with ease, savoring every bit of this man that he loves so fully. It’s enough to make his head spin but Carlos knows he can’t get too carried away. There’s still a lot TK has to work through post-breakup and Carlos doesn’t want to encroach on that, even if kissing TK is better than he had ever imagined.

He pulls away and TK groans again, unabashedly voicing his opposition to stopping their kiss.

“I thought you’d want to take things slow considering Alex and everything,” Carlos notes, pecking TK’s lips once more.

TK playfully narrows his eyes. “That’s very considerate of you but I’ve been waiting to kiss you since we were fifteen so if that isn’t slow, I don’t know what is.”

Carlos stares at him in stunned silence, shaking his head in disbelief. 

“What?” TK prompts, slipping his hand into Carlos’ and entwining their fingers.

“Nothing, it’s just...it’s crazy to think you’ve been feeling this way too since we were kids. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that.”

TK gives his hand a light squeeze before bringing it to his mouth and placing a gentle kiss against the back.

“Well, it’s true. You’re the greatest guy I know. I always had a good feeling about you, about us.”

Carlos laughs to himself, remembering the first time they spoke, how he’d been so nervous that he could barely get a word out at first. But TK seemed convinced they would get along well, right from the start. His foresight had been spot on.

“You definitely called it.”

“I spoke it into existence. I knew I wanted to know you. To this day, it’s the best decision I’ve made since moving here all those years ago.”

Carlos looks down at their hands. It’s something they’ve done plenty of times over the years but now he’s seeing it through a new set of eyes, a new meaning behind the gesture.

“I really do love you, TK,” Carlos says seriously, looking up at him then.

Getting the words out is liberating and daunting but it needs to be said plainly, explicitly. He’s gone so many years with the feeling consuming him. It hasn’t been a burden but Carlos already feels lighter with it off his chest.

TK’s face breaks out into the warmest smile. It touches his eyes and makes them shine in a way Carlos has never seen before in all the years he’s known him, a light shining from the inside out. It reminds Carlos of an evening star. TK’s always been the brightest in his universe.

“I love you, too,” he replies breathlessly. “It feels so good to finally say it out loud.”

Carlos traces TK’s bottom lip with the tip of his index finger. TK’s mouth parts, his green eyes flashing with want. Carlos spares them both, leaning in and kissing TK hungrily. This kiss is deeper and far less guarded than their last, Carlos no longer shy about where he touches TK. They stumble backwards onto the couch, Carlos seated as TK straddles his waist, never breaking the kiss. His hips roll over Carlos’, the gesture making Carlos practically breathless. He feels drunk off this moment, somehow managing to live both inside and out of himself. To have everything he’s wanted for eleven years suddenly all at once is making him feel a bit delirious. To know that all those years of wishing, of warring with himself and Michelle’s advice are now over is, in a word, surreal. If she could see them now.

Carlos laughs to himself against TK lips, a low hum of a sound as he smiles, his mouth still pushing back against TK’s.

“I’m giving you my best moves here, Reyes.”

“And believe me, it’s all quality stuff,” Carlos muses, pulling back to look at him. “I’m just thinking about Michelle.”

“Okay, now I’m really starting to get offended,” TK jokingly reprimands. 

“Don’t worry, babe. You’re always front of mind.” He punctuates this assurance with a soft kiss at TK’s temple.

The pet name falls so casually from Carlos' lips that he doesn’t even realize he’s said it until he sees TK preen at the nickname, burying his flushed face against the side of Carlos’ neck. Carlos fights off the urge to shiver when he feels TK’s breath on his skin but he can feel goosebumps rise regardless.

“She’s going to have a field day with this. She’s been saying forever that you loved me back.”

“My dad too,” TK mumbles, pressing a kiss against Carlos’ pulse point before shifting to look at him. “He’s been trying to convince me for years now but I just couldn’t allow myself to go there, you know?”

Carlos nods in understanding. That’s been the story of his life since he was fifteen. TK takes a hold of his hand, tracing along his palm absentmindedly. Carlos just watches him in silence for a time, enjoying the comfortable weight of TK on top of him, of the man being this openly affectionate with him. It’s beyond what he has been imagining over the years.

“All this time wasted,” TK laments after a few moments, his expression troubled.

Carlos rubs at TK’s sides, shaking his head. “I don’t think of it that way. Not at all. We’ve just been laying down some serious groundwork and now we get to cash in on it. We’re golden going forward.”

Like any good home, love needed a strong foundation. As far as Carlos was concerned, they’d merely been giving themselves something stable to build a life on.

A slow smile spreads across TK as he seemingly allows Carlos’s words to sink in. 

“I like the way you think. It’s just one of the many, many things I love about you.”

Carlos takes TK’s face in his hand, studying it as if he hasn’t spent the last eleven years committing it all to memory. He takes in his bright eyes, that playful, knowing smirk. All of this is his now in the same way he belongs entirely to TK. Now he’s able to just openly stare, to admire. It’s as if he needs confirmation that this is in fact real. This is truly happening.

TK stares back at him, his expression a mirror image of Carlos’. In his eyes Carlos can see nothing but love, adoration, and also hope. Predicting the future isn’t something anyone can truly do but Carlos feels safe in believing that this new road they're traveling will lead to good things. 

TK cups his face as well and leans in to kiss him once more. Carlos allows himself to surrender to the moment, to free his mind and focus solely on the feel of TK’s lips on his, their chests pressed tightly together. He can feel TK’s love for him as steady and sure as a heartbeat.

Carlos takes comfort in the knowledge that they have this moment, the memories of all the ones before it, and all those that are still yet to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> say hi on tumblr [@letitialewiss](https://letitialewiss.tumblr.com)


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